Photo credit: Tiger Woods

Photo credit: Tiger Woods

Below is a list of seven things written in third person. Presumably about me.

Six of these things are true. One is a lie, and is actually a fact about the pigmy short-horned lizard.

1. Patrick currently takes up space in Brooklyn, NY and works as a copywriter at an ad agency called Laundry Service.

3. Patrick was born and raised in the mountains of East Tennessee amidst trees, bears, and a Dolly Parton theme park.

3. His favorite thing in life is to find something honest and true, and then finding a way to laugh at that thing.

4. He enjoys watching movies and eating fancy tacos. He knows that a lot of people like those things, too, so he hopes this doesn't sound too phoned in.

5. When threatened, Patrick can flood his ocular sinuses (the tissue below his eyes) with blood, allowing him to shoot it out of his eye sockets.

6. Patrick once adopted a Siberian tiger named Sasha. Meaning he sent $25 in the mail every month to a wildlife fund in exchange for tiger pictures and a letter detailing how big Sasha was getting. Today, neither Patrick nor Sasha are aware of each other’s whereabouts.

7. When Patrick isn't writing ads, he is a self-taught sketch artist and painter, which is a polite way of saying he doesn't quite know what he's doing. However, it's a much better gift to the world than being a self-taught surgeon.